Struggling to Meet People in Trader Joe’s

One artist's rendition of me in the supermarket. Presumably that's what the artist intended.

It seems the most difficult place one can possibly endeaver to meet another human being is the super market.  This is problematic for me, because I’m a confirmed bachelor, and often have difficulties navigating the complexities of super markets.  Buying groceries requires the kindness and direction of strangers, lest I cook myself up a nice big box of generic soap flakes which I thought to be grits.

Tonight, I found myself staring blankly at a selection of pears.  I had no idea pears had so many variables.  Apparently one must consider the variety of pear, the ripeness of the pear, and, furthermore, what you’re pairing the pear with.  Once homonyms got involved, I just couldn’t cope.  I went into a bachelor coma, hoping that someone would leap in and announce which pear I should buy, freeing me from my catatonic state.

I noticed a woman fondling pears next to me, so I issued a weak “Umm, excuse me.”  The woman froze, eyes darting around in a panic.  She set down her pears and quickly walked away.  I can’t judge the woman, the world isn’t a safe place, but this particular Trader Joe’s is not in a hotspot for produce-related assault and battery.  I was wearing pants at the time, and can’t imagine I looked like anything other than a well-dressed, albeit slightly pathetic, business man staring at fruit. Read more »